2011 had its ups and downs. Some great news and some not so great news. Among the great news, I rounded the year off with a promotion at work. I am now the Operations Manager at the #1 volume location in our Northwest region, MAC Valley Fair. My first day was Black Friday and it was awesome…talk about diving right in!

Although the commute is not so favored the job itself is more than I couldve asked for…I am loving it more and more everyday…and the talent I work with is absolutely amazing! I feel so inspired.

Some not so great news that I havent even mentioned before, my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in August and she’s been fighting an uphill battle. Though her high spirits remain in tact, all we can do is spend as much time with her as we can.

What else happened in 2011? Our dearest friend Maurice is still yet to be found…wherever you are Maury, you are dearly missed and I am thinking of you, always.

And last but not least, aside from the crazy holidays, starting my new job, dealing with all kinds of emotional pulls left and right, I managed to finish last semester with a 3.46 GPA…thats  one A, an A-, and a B+. Not bad…I didnt pull straight A’s out of the hat as promised but I am super proud of what I achieved considering the circumstances and everything else that was going on with my life.

2011, thank you for a fun and not so fun roller coaster ride of success, life, and love. 2012 will be an even better year as i’ve noticed an increasing pattern of better-ness since I found my better half.

Lets do this.

This is the breakfast discourse consuming my brain as of late. Perhaps I will take another drink…

I have a ton to say and barely any idea how to say it…it may not all end up in this blog rather several along the road.

I’ve started school this semester and it is going great. Right now I am pulling 2 B+’s and an A. Not good enough for my standard. Watch me get straight A’s, baby. My school schedule, however, is not so appealing. Monday through Thursday I leave the house super early to be at school even earlier. Oh how I adore the lovely traffic through the toll gate and on the bay bridge. Not to mention, those inconsiderate assholes who like to sneak in and out of the FasTrak lane. Bastards. I hope they get theirs!

After a morning in class its off to the races. I mean makeup, reports, planning, budgets, aka work. After work its home (with the exception of Wednesday nights when I have the pleasure to go back to school til late)

Although the schedule is far from ideal to the untrained collegiate, I actually prefer a morning class with my grades as proof of my success. Of course, I’ll be even more successful at the end of the semester when I can put my report card up at the house (and at moms) proving my smarts. She still pays me $20 for each A.

In any case, school life has been great and all my classes are rather appealing. I enjoy showing up and have been learning a ton. I cant believe that nearly half the semester is gone. Phew! Round 2, bring it.

ps: ive had perfect attendance to boot

I am really good at weighing options…and when problems arise, I see both view points (which is probably why making a decision is so damn hard for me!)

On a sliding scale, however, I tend to go all or nothing…go big or go home…it is quite difficult for me to find a happy medium. So I challenge myself this, find a happy medium, damn it! I’ll start from the far end and work my way toward the middle. Like this…

If someone were to say to me, “I need space”, I’d take it just as such. You need space! I will give you that…I can retreat completely and give you all the space that you need. Or if someone said I called them too much, then I just wouldn’t call them at all. That’s me not finding my medium. But that’s just how I work. Sure, I wont call you…at all. But then I’d gradually start calling again, but not as much.

Other people would continue to call but have their calls slowly dissipate. Not me. I work backwards. Call me dyslexic.

So I get it. It’s a balancing act that I have to work on to keep me somewhat sane. But if I am working my way toward sanity, then I am going to do it the way I want to. Backwards.

Honest from the beginning, one of the first things he told me was that he had 2 girls. Ok, no big deal. Nearly 10 months later, still not that big of a deal, rather, a big change.

I’m still learning my way around my new life…though…it didnt exactly come with a map. Opening new doors, going down different hallways…I seem to navigate pretty well.

A step-mom in training I guess. And as a step-mom in training, to all you others out there, below are a few things that you need to know for yourself…to better help you acclimate to your new role:

• You are no ones replacement
• You are not here to fill someone elses shoes
• You are not a glorified baby sitter
• You are not a rent-a-mom
• You are just you

One of my favorite movies is Notting Hill with Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant. Julia’s character approaches Hugh’s and says “I am just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love me.” (she’s some super famous actress in the movie who falls in love with a regular bloke)

I am just me…a woman, who fell in love with a man…who happens to have kids. I dare not replace their mother as I am no ones replacement. I am not a stand in..I am permanent.

I was cooking hamburger helper (the weird taco one) when I received a call from her best friend, Jen Del. Jen Del told me that she had passed out and they were on the way to the hospital. I started tearing up immediately…panicking and worried. We decided to head to the hospital and visit that evening to make sure she was alright. We had a 2 hour drive ahead of us.

We barely made it on to the freeway when I thought to myself “maybe she needs her insurance card?!?”. I called Jen Del back asking if we needed to bring it. She replied “don’t bother…she’s gone”.

Blank stare. Disbelief. Hysteria. I didn’t know what to feel…I didnt want to believe her but I knew from the tone of her voice, it was true. My sister, Carolyn Wabe Carig, had passed away that night. She was 23 years old.

Every year, on this day, I am reminded of the heartache that I felt that night and the heartache I continue to feel knowing that she is not apart of the future that we spoke about…the future where I was married with kids and she would come over to babysit them. Or that our kids would be BFF’s and we’d be old and senile still doing the crazy things we used to do when we were young. That future is null and void. She is not here to share it with me.

She was so young. Had never had a boyfriend…didnt have her drivers license…took the bus or hitched rides to places she needed to go. Loved kids…absolutely loved them and would’ve one day become one of those moms where you sit back and wonder “how the hell do they do it?!?”. She was one of them. Loved to cook…loved music (listening and playing). Had the most amazing sense of humor and had the deepest appreciation for life and the little things that most people take forgranted…she did not.

She touched hearts with her kind soul and her infectious smile was always followed with her heartfelt laugh.

She is the most beautiful person I know and I feel ever so privileged to call her my sister. I’ll remember her forever.

For those times that I falter, I force myself to put on my big girl panties and get the f**k over it. That is the only thing that I can do because it is what it is.

I had a general idea of what I was getting into but I dont think I truly understood. I met the love of my life…finally. He happens to have two kids with another woman. Ok, when you say it like that it doesnt sound so friendly. Lets re-phrase:

I met the love of my life and he has two beautiful children.

Ok that sounds a world better lol. So I knew the situation at hand and I appreciated his honesty when he told me this information. At the time, I thought to myself…”no big deal…im great with kids!”

HA! I got used to plans changing with a drop of a hat…I understand I share his attention with these two little lovebugs, I got used to the extra dishes, extra laundry, and extra time that we thought would just be me and him can suddenly change to me, him, and his & hers. I get it. The one thing that I got used too quickly was the love that was shown to me both by him and the kids. I feel lucky in that regard.

I am still learning how to fit in to this already made family. I am still trying to grasp the fact that I will never be the only woman in his life. There will always be another…and even though i’m at the top of the list, the list has more than one name on it.

Sometimes my big girl panties dont fit and I put up a fight…kicking and screaming. Once i’m talked off the ledge, I tell myself this: it is what it is.

Last night we had a few people come over…my cousins, friends. It was an impromptu potluck turned carbfest (most of the dishes were pasta/noodles and such). No complaints there.

It was nice to see everyone together…to see that she is still able to bring us together like she used to when she was alive.

A portion of the evening was dedicated to sharing memories about her since there were some in the group who have not had the privilege to meet her but can get an idea about her with the stories we told. Driving lessons…the “anonymous” aisle, and her ability to be completely aloof were spoken of last night. It was difficult for me to not cry as I told my stories…especially when I look up to see some have already had water in their eyes.

In any case, it was a great evening made out of fun, drinks, great food, lovely company, and games. Yes games. Guesstures to be exact. She would’ve laughed to see how animated our little brother is at this game. She would’ve been even happier to know that I had a ton of fun myself…too much fun…so much so I had to rely on Aleve and Gatorade first thing this morning. My loyal BFF’s.

Most likely the sweetest letter I’ve ever read. Hands down.